Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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