At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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