Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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