Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
