How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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