Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
