Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
