I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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