Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
