Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Text me some of your sweat
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
