38 yer olds are good kisserssss
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
