I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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