If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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