Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
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How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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