3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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