I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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