I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
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Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
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He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize