i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
