Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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