I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
