i just sent this text using only my big toe
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
