what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
