Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
