So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
