Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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