dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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