It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
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