If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
