Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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