worst night to have a conscience
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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