why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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