Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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