I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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