i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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