nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My vagina just recognized that song.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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