and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We had to coat check the pizza.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
