I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
