is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
