i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
