Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
