i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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