I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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