I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm really busy with my period
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