What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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