I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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