He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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