I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
