: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you win again, gameday.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
