what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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