You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
