The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
