I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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