Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
there's paper in my vomit.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
