i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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